“You’re stupid. Why did you do that? You should have….”

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This was only one of the dozens of variations of should have, could have, would have that I inflicted on myself every day.

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But what exactly was I trying to fix? What was so unbearable that I kept replaying the same moment, hoping this time I’d make a different decision?

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I should have stayed in control and resisted the compulsion to do that robbery. If I had, I wouldn’t have been sentenced to three years in prison.

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That is the weight I was carrying, compounded by imprisonment trauma and amplified by undiagnosed OCD, ADHD, autism and a neurodiverse sensitivity that made everything cut deeper.

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Back to the dreaded edge

Again and again, I found myself pulled back to the precipice of that single decision. I was locked in an agonising loop for decades. My confidence was shredded by self-hatred, my self-image reduced to embers.

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I kept replaying the trauma, desperately hoping for a different ending, driven by an intensity of pain I could not bear.

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I had become trapped in stuck thinking points – my mind’s default response to unhealed imprisonment trauma.

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Ideas That Help

Two insights could have reduced years of suffering had I known them earlier:

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1. Some ruminations feel impossible to move past because they cut so deeply.

This is a normal trauma response. The “stickiness” of rumination is proportional to the depth of the hurt underneath.

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2. Once you recognise this, you can separate the hurt from the belief that it can never be healed.

That separation creates a small but powerful space where change becomes possible.

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I needed to acknowledge the hurt, recognise it as separate from me, and then work toward peace with it.

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From that little bit of distance, I could finally question some of the beliefs that had tormented me for years, such as:

• “I can’t get over this because the system failed to diagnose my OCD, ADHD and autism.”
• “Anyone in my position would be destroyed by this.”
• “You didn’t just mess up – you are a mess-up. Uniquely damned.”
• “People must be disgusted with me. Of course they’d reject me.”

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From here I uncovered two more truths that helped pull me out of the ruminative cycle:

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1. These mental loops were voluntary once I understood them.

I didn’t have to enter them. I could interrupt the thought, mentally hit reset, and choose acceptance.

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2. I had the power to reassess and reframe my thinking.

I could reduce the catastrophising and allow reality to be less absolute, less condemning.

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Moving Forward

I realised my story wasn’t as uniquely catastrophic as I imagined. I wasn’t alone. Some statistics suggest around 40 percent of prisoners live with mental illness.

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Still, I knew I needed something practical – simple shorthand prompts to interrupt rumination the moment it began. That’s where my Safe → Now → Control → Reset system came from. These prompts are easy to remember and surprisingly effective when the mind starts spiralling.

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Safe

You are safe. You may feel distressed, but you are not in danger. Say the word safe and mentally lay that word over the room, like a protective blanket. Repeat it as many times as necessary. Safe. Safe. Safe.

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Now

This brings you back into the present moment. You are not back in the trauma. You are not trapped in the loop. You are here, now. Repeat it to steady yourself.

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Control

You can regulate your emotions.

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You have survived worse. You have endured harder things. Use the word control to remind yourself: you can do this. You are capable. You’re in control.

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Reset

A cue for when you feel anxiety, dread or depression building. Reset your system. Breathe. Relax. Return to the last moment you felt steadier. Clear the slate and come back to yourself. This prompt has been particularly effective for many people I’ve shared it with. In a world full of electronics, the idea of a quick “reset” feels instinctively familiar and easy to apply to our own thoughts.

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A kinder way forward

Rumination can feel overwhelming, but it is a human response to unresolved pain. Understanding its roots can help us meet ourselves with greater compassion. Healing began for me when I stopped interpreting rumination as a personal failing and instead saw it as a sign that something within me needed acknowledgement, safety and care.