You had questions, we listened!

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These answers are from my life (and are supposed to make you smile a bit!).

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This is NOT legal advice – ALWAYS ask a lawyer and/or your parole officer if you have any questions at the time! On all things, ask your parole officer prior to doing anything, consult your lawyer if you are still unclear. Do this via email and texts to show in writing that you raised it. And if they don’t answer you, don’t do it!!!

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I’ve been in for a big whack. What’s the biggest changes I have missed while in jail?

Out here, there are delivery drones dropping off pizza and dropping packages onto doorsteps. And the hover boards and flying cars! Actually, nothing in Back to the Future came true. It was all lies! And I rarely see drones. Its basically the 90s but with everything online and everyone staring at their phones with air pods in their ears. Airpods are little headphones. Everything else is the same. Social cohesion is really low though, my advice on that is to just listen and get an idea of the social vibe before saying anything that will get you in trouble at the dinner table.

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What do I do if my electric monitory battery is going flat and I’m not at home?

The GPS has a extension cord on it that you wrap around your leg, so just go into a random shop and plug it in. Noooo! I joke! It actually has a detachable battery like a power drill. That battery plugs in to the wall. You put the battery on your GPS for maybe two hours a day to charge it. My advice is to charge it at a certain time each day. Then take the battery with you if you are away all day so you don’t have to run home. The GPS will vibrate when it’s almost flat. If you don’t have the battery, head home immediately. If they see you are going home, it will help your case if you don’t make it. Electronic monitoring will call you and your CCS officer if you don’t make it, and they will want an explanation. The alcohol bracelet however, has a super battery that lasts months. You just have it swapped out an appointment. Which makes me wonder why they both don’t just have a super battery…

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Can I have visitors after curfew?

Your order will say if you can’t have a visitor after curfew. If it doesn’t say you can’t, then have a party for all they care! Well, a non-alcoholic, drug free, board game party with your music at a reasonable and respectful volume, for all they care. Because…they do.

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Can I hang out with my cellies when we get out on parole?

Short answer is, maybe, but don’t count on it. Aside from there being different laws in different states, the parole board can also decide you can’t hang out with anyone who has similar crimes as you. Co-offenders, or just there being intelligence you guys are up to no good. In short, ask your parole officer if you’re unsure!!! Also, there is the question of, do you want to reintegrate? Do they want to reintegrate? Maybe you guys need to start seeing other people is all…

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What was something reintegration services did not prepare you for when you got out?

The unexpected loneliness. I described it to a few people as a deafening silence. I would tell people that I feel so alone that I worry the only reason people will notice my absence is the horrible stink coming from my apartment. People kept telling me to buy a cat. But that seemed like surrendering to fate.

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I spoke to a lot of people leaving prison and loneliness is common. In prison, you go through hell together. You open up and share things with your brothers and sisters you never thought you’d share with anyone. And they are always there to talk to, every single day.

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People out here talk about trivial junk and it does my head in. People have gotten mad with me because I didn’t appreciate how horrible their life was. Their life sounded lovely to me, they just sounded bored.

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Saying that, I have also noticed it wasn’t hard to make friends. Everyone knows I’ve been to jail and have taken me at face value (and my face is adorable and innocent looking!). So I have lots of friends out here and now I’m never lonely!

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How do I make my mother proud?

In my experience, there are two types of mothers. One who was proud of you from the day you were born. And the other who will never be happy no matter what.

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I lived my life following other people’s dreams. Trying to make other people proud. And that led me to jail. Just focus on being the sort of person you can be proud of. Unless you’re like Moe from Simpsons, who said “I’ve done things I’m not proud of, and the things I am proud of, are disgusting” – if this is you, focus on your programs first. We all go to jail for a reason. Therapy, programs, counselling. One day, you can be the person you can be proud of.