My name is Axel and I’m a raging nerd! The Pikachu and Adventure Time tattoos prove that. I am back in prison for my second go-around.
I was out for six months in July 2023, before giving up and coming back in for another 12 months. In 2019, I did four and a half years, all this through the torment of Covid-19 and being placed in a terrible prison. When I was released in 2023, I was told, “Good luck. Here are some numbers for you to call,” and sent on my way. The support worker changed every two weeks so I ended up just not talking to them again. I bounced from place to place for two months before finding something semi-permanent. That only lasted two months.
My mental health declined. Nobody would give me a chance. Nowhere would hire me. Nobody understood. I went on dates while I was out, trying to feel loved again, but anxiety just pushed everyone away. I confided in someone, eventually being honest with her, only to have her ghost me. I expected it, but it hurt.
Nobody understood that what I did then is not who I am now.
I woke up everyday waiting for the police to barge in and eventually they did. Now, I thought, I could finally sleep without anxiety. It was then I realised I am institutionalised.
This place, prison, is safer than the real world. Here, I can stop worrying about life’s expectations. However, I am awfully lonely. I have nobody on the outside, only my father who is in the UK. I Zoom him often.
All of my friends abandoned me upon my first incarceration, and the two friends I have are going through their own struggles at the moment, so I don’t want to burden them.
I am due to leave here soon, but I again have nowhere to live and I know nobody that I can turn to. To say I am terrified wouldn’t begin to describe how I’m feeling. I don’t want to leave. In the December 2024 issue, there’s an article that describes “Gate Fever”. This is the perfect article for my situation. I don’t want to leave only to mess up and come back. I would rather just stay here and remain comfortable.
The differences or positives this time is that I am seeing a psychologist and in an AOD program, as well as having Vacro in my corner stronger than before. I am not ungrateful for the help. I’m worried that it’s my own low self-esteem that’s going to get the better of me. Hopefully my headspace will be better. I miss so much about being out.
I would also like to mention the ‘Pen Pal’ article by Denham Sadler. This spoke to me in waves. As someone that has nobody to speak to on the outside, a pen pal system would work wonders.
When I get out, I am going to use my skills as a songwriter/performer to start a business and entertain people. I will look forward to seeing future issues and reading about people’s journeys through their hardship.
I will continue to read About Time and contribute, as I thoroughly enjoy reading people’s stories and writing to others.
Thank you for reading and never stop smiling.
My name is Axel and I’m a raging nerd! The Pikachu and Adventure Time tattoos prove that. I am back in prison for my second go-around.
I was out for six months in July 2023, before giving up and coming back in for another 12 months. In 2019, I did four and a half years, all this through the torment of Covid-19 and being placed in a terrible prison. When I was released in 2023, I was told, “Good luck. Here are some numbers for you to call,” and sent on my way. The support worker changed every two weeks so I ended up just not talking to them again. I bounced from place to place for two months before finding something semi-permanent. That only lasted two months.
My mental health declined. Nobody would give me a chance. Nowhere would hire me. Nobody understood. I went on dates while I was out, trying to feel loved again, but anxiety just pushed everyone away. I confided in someone, eventually being honest with her, only to have her ghost me. I expected it, but it hurt.
Nobody understood that what I did then is not who I am now.
I woke up everyday waiting for the police to barge in and eventually they did. Now, I thought, I could finally sleep without anxiety. It was then I realised I am institutionalised.
This place, prison, is safer than the real world. Here, I can stop worrying about life’s expectations. However, I am awfully lonely. I have nobody on the outside, only my father who is in the UK. I Zoom him often.
All of my friends abandoned me upon my first incarceration, and the two friends I have are going through their own struggles at the moment, so I don’t want to burden them.
I am due to leave here soon, but I again have nowhere to live and I know nobody that I can turn to. To say I am terrified wouldn’t begin to describe how I’m feeling. I don’t want to leave. In the December 2024 issue, there’s an article that describes “Gate Fever”. This is the perfect article for my situation. I don’t want to leave only to mess up and come back. I would rather just stay here and remain comfortable.
The differences or positives this time is that I am seeing a psychologist and in an AOD program, as well as having Vacro in my corner stronger than before. I am not ungrateful for the help. I’m worried that it’s my own low self-esteem that’s going to get the better of me. Hopefully my headspace will be better. I miss so much about being out.
I would also like to mention the ‘Pen Pal’ article by Denham Sadler. This spoke to me in waves. As someone that has nobody to speak to on the outside, a pen pal system would work wonders.
When I get out, I am going to use my skills as a songwriter/performer to start a business and entertain people. I will look forward to seeing future issues and reading about people’s journeys through their hardship.
I will continue to read About Time and contribute, as I thoroughly enjoy reading people’s stories and writing to others.
Thank you for reading and never stop smiling.
