I want to be clear from the outset here – I am not talking about guilt as a legal term. We all know that pleas in court are not necessarily an indication of guilt but, rather, a specific terminology that serves its purpose within the blunt institution of the law.

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Guilt as an emotional state is a far more complex experience. Guilt is something called a self-conscious emotion: it involves reflecting on actions and taking responsibility for the harm caused. Guilt is intended to be a motivational emotion, allowing us to change behaviour that might cause us to be excluded or persecuted by others in our social groups. Its core function is to prompt us to seek forgiveness and to right our wrongs, thus serving an important function within our relationships with others, as it can encourage us to repair harms within a relationship. Because guilt is an uncomfortable feeling, it also motivates us to apologise for or correct a negative behaviour.

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Guilt is not the same as shame, though they are related to one another and can coexist.

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Where shame is focused on a deep sense of being fundamentally flawed, guilt is more behaviourally focused. Essentially, shame says, “I am bad,” while guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame is an ego-dystonic emotion, meaning that the way it feels conflicts with how we want to see ourselves. On the other hand, guilt is an ego-syntonic emotion, meaning that it aligns with our values and identity.

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When we feel guilty about something, it is typically because we know we have acted in a way that goes against our standards of morality and what we consider to be “right” within our community or culture. Guilt can also manifest when we fail to meet standards that we have set for ourselves.

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Self-appraisal also plays an important role in understanding the differences between guilt and shame – for example, shame involves a self-evaluation of being inadequate, while guilt involves a self-evaluation of being harmful.

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Learning to separate a sense of guilt from a feeling of shame is a key step in healing. If guilt is left unchecked, it can develop into shame. This is because our internal thought processes can begin to attribute our actions to our sense of identity by internalising a sense of “wrongness”.

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The secret to dealing with feelings of guilt in a healthy way is to first acknowledge that you feel guilty. This seems deceptively simple, though it is much harder than it sounds.

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When we feel guilty, it often manifests as a deep sense of discomfort, and this can result in the urge to suppress or mask that discomfort. Instead of avoiding the emotion of guilt, it can help to ask yourself some questions to further understand where the feeling is coming from:

• What happened to cause this guilty feeling?
• What part of this do I feel guilty about?
• Am I responsible for the situation that caused me to feel guilty?
• What values do I hold that are not aligned with my behaviour?
• Is it in my control to fix the situation?

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Once you have a clearer understanding of why you feel guilty, you can address the guilt using the following steps:

1. Own it: Take responsibility for your actions and face the situation head on.
2. Make amends: Apologise, ask for forgiveness and repair the situation.
3. Commit to change: Reflect on the situation to learn what you can do differently next time.

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For example, imagine that you feel guilty because you forgot to call a family member on their birthday. Guilt is an unpleasant emotion, so your first instinct is to pretend that the phones weren’t working. However, by using the reflective questions above, you determine that you feel guilty because family is important to you (as a value) and you could have made more effort to remember to make the call. Therefore, you know that you are responsible for the situation that caused you to feel guilty, and it is within your control to make amends. So, instead of hiding away from the problem (and tempting shame to take hold of you), you choose to call the family member, tell them you forgot, apologise and reassure them that you will take steps in the future to make sure you remember to call them. This ultimately leaves both you and your family member feeling positive.

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Owning up to the things we feel guilty about can be extremely difficult, particularly when we know that the consequences might be serious. Despite this, the best thing that you can do for yourself and your relationships with others is to take accountability and work towards making amends. While this might feel uncomfortable, sometimes it is necessary in order to heal.