Food to Die For
Following years of fruitless negotiations with prison inmates, Mr I Lash from the NSW Department of Corrective Services today announced a breakthrough – a joint venture with the Australian Psychology Enterprise (APE) to improve the quality of food provided to inmates.
It was announced that celebrity chefs George Calamari and Heston Bloomingood will completely revamp the prison menu.
Finally, it seems, prisoners will get their just desserts.
Mr Lash went on to say that inmates had been belly-aching that their food was no good and that they’ve been getting the rough end of the prison pineapple for too long.
Ms Irene C Nothing, President of the APEs, agreed that Corrective Services had been monkeying around for years, ever since Australia had its last banana republic.
“They’ve been floundering; one half-baked idea after another,” she said. “However, this is not the Hilton, and inmates still need to realise that they’re in prison. Thanks to the input from psychologists, the names of each new meal will reflect this reality.”
A sample menu has now been provided, and we’re able to report that the following meals will be trialled: battered fish; flathead fillets; pulled pork; rack of lamb with lashings of mashed potato; smashed avocado; skewered prawns; and crushed pineapple and whipped cream. Prisoners who do not like diced capsicum will be told to get stuffed… capsicum instead. For the first time, two imitation cocktails will be on trial from behind the bars: a grasshopper and a rusty nail. Authorities are hoping that no adverse comment will be forthcoming from either the Entomology Society, nor from Bunnings Warehouse.
Asked for his verdict on the new menu, one of the leading advocates for progress Mr Homer Neanderthal grunted, “Er, do we get any bananas, and what about our tomato sauce ration?”
This revamp will come at significant cost, and there is much at steak. According to Mr Lash, “This is no trifling matter; it will cost money, but that’s how the cookie crumbles.”
Hopefully, with this new strategy, everyone will be as happy as pie.
