You must go to jail, they said, as it will be closure for your victim. This is what the lady from the DOC said to me when I was in St John of God Psychiatric Hospital in Richmond.

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I was in the ward for War Veterans suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). There were a lot of us there and not just from the Vietnam War but from other conflicts as well. There were even police members there and an ambulance officer; you do not have to be a soldier to become traumatised by what you see. At this time in our collective lives, we were all looking for some type of closure for our own well-being. Just get back to what people casually term ‘normality’.

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I needed closure to help me live a normal life, but it was not forthcoming. I was reaching out for closure but it never came.

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I have since pondered the word “closure”, and I have come to the conclusion that there is no real closure as those involved do not forget and, as much as people say they do, there is no complete forgiveness – even from the most Christian of hearts. However, I have found that those with more faith, in whatever religion they may follow, tend to forgive more easily than those with limited or no faith, and the more one forgives the more the term "closure" seems to comfort them. It also seems that the word closure can sometimes be related to words like "vengeance" or "revenge".

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I was 60 years old when I first came to jail and I had never been so frightened in my life. I was mentally exhausted and had lost 11 kilos. Actually, I was petrified for the first time in my life because there is no way to prepare for coming to jail for the first time. Previous reputations and standing mean absolutely nothing.

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My conscience was in overdrive and the guilt and remorse I felt then have not diminished in any way; it is a constant in my life and is here to stay. One can apologise for the harm they have done, but whether the apology is given once or a dozen times, the sincerity is only relevant to the depth and remorse felt by the person giving the apology.

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So, what is closure? I am locked away – it may make people feel safe, even pleased, but is it closure?

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Did closure occur to my victims when I came to jail? For some it may have, but for others it made them sad and angry, and for some of them a life sentence of memories, good and bad. Trauma can cause a complex mix of emotions. So does the need for closure. I did not mean to cause hate, but I did. Does closure make the hate go away? It is a small matter, but I do not think so.

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Even those who seek revenge by seeing to it that someone is sent to jail, is it closure? It cannot be, as they still remember, so in truth they are deluding themselves. Perhaps I am being cynical because of what I have brought upon others, especially those whom I still love. My cynicism has certainly developed since I have been in jail.

I have asked some of my new peers about closure, some answer roughly and abruptly, others put some thought into it; but the consensus is the same, there is no real closure, and I have a personal example.

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A horrifying incident occurred when I was a child. I’ve closed the door on that memory. I am sure that I am not alone in these circumstances – a young mind will put up a protective barrier, it is a natural response. This, I can say, was temporary closure. It took a long time and a significant emotional shock for these memories to return, and when they did, it was with a vengeance. My first wife had an affair and the shock brought back that memory I had closed off. My recurring nightmares relived that moment over and over, for 26 years, so much for real closure.

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There are some, here in jail, who have been victims themselves and, as with me, seem a bit blasé with the word “closure”. Is it then a word used for self comfort or appeasement? Or is there another reason? I have seen the parents of murdered children, pleading on the news that they want to find the murderer to give them closure. I agree that a person should be brought to trial for murder, but I do not think for one moment that the murderer would hand themselves in to give the parents’ closure. Even when eventually caught, the trauma of a trial has to be painful for the victim's family.

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I am the father of 12 healthy children and for that I am grateful, however my wife lost three babies at six to eight weeks of pregnancy. I was traumatised, my wife took it in her stride and I got sick of people saying it was “God’s will”. This happened a long time ago and I still wonder what they may have been like, so where is the closure?

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In my humble opinion, gained only from life's experience, the word closure is a misnomer and is used too widely as an excuse to help the grieving process, where a more positive approach should be made. Any dramatic experience that happens to a person throughout their life is never totally forgotten, nor is the perpetrator forgiven, therefore there is never any real closure. Our memory serves us so we can recall moments in our past. Whatever trauma that occurs that has a profound adverse effect on
us will become a memory, it stays in our being, in our psyche, and it never leaves us.