I am tired, not because I am in gaol.

I am tired, not due to lack of sleep.

Tired from not being able to see my family,

Tired from being told what to do.

I am tired of love, tired of being deemed guilty, tired of my own remorse.

I am tired of my own self-doubt, my own shadows and especially tired of my own face.

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I write to my son and daughter every week; I am a little tired from writing,

but it’s one of the few ways I could communicate with the little ones, as there are restrictions in accessing them,

which I will not explain and tired of explaining.

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My son asked me to write to him this week about being 'tired',

I told him, “Damn son, I could write the crap out of that topic,

'I am tired' is my first, middle and last name."

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I am tired of being in lockup, tired of being paranoid, extremely tired of being crazy.

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I am tired of the three slob of meals I eat a week,

I am tired of the other three tasteless chicken meals on the alternative days,

I am tired of talking to the same people about the same old war stories, life stories or proclamation of innocence,

I am tired of being told 'you are a crim'

I am tired of being labelled a 'convict'

I am tired of being in green.

I am tired of talking, the waiting, thinking, writing, walking laps, chasing,

I am tired of watching TV.

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I am mentally spent; my head miles will not stop; I am tired of getting up in the mornings.

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My son told me 'He is tired' today, 'nothing' is happening, he is doing 'nothing',

I know the feeling, I am hearing him, I am tired too.

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BUT...

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I am never too tired to hear his voice,

Never too tired to ask about his day, even though he did 'nothing',

Never too tired to hear him say 'he is too tired',

Never too tired to line up at the phones to call him, Tuesday 4pm, Friday 4pm and Sunday 4pm as arranged,

Though I am tired of the calls not being answered, most of the time.

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I am never too tired to go through or get through this day, tomorrow and the day after,

Just so I could one day see his or her tired face;

Outside of these four concrete jungle walls,

I am never too tired to hear my daughter read to me.

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The fuel, the soul-food, the love from any contact, communication, seeing or hearing my children,

will energise me, even if it is in rage.

I am tired of not being there for them, for my tired daughter and my tired son,

I am afraid and terribly tired of disappointing them,

But I am never tired of loving them, ever.

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I am tired of my own reflection, yet my little me(s) will never be a corrupt reflection of me.

They are the best parts of me, they will breathe life into me.

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My son said 'he is tired today', yet I tried to keep him on the phone for the full 12 minutes,

Surely, he is not too tired to speak to me, not too tired to tell me 'he is tired'?

I am tired along with him, I am spent and running on zero.

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The phone in the wall is my charger, I need my little ones to refuel me,

Even their tired, weak, angry, crying, sad, argumentative, combative or dismissive voice resonates and motivates me.

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I am less tired now, after hearing them just say to me “Daddy, I am tired”,

just once a day, once a week, once a month or once a year(s) for some of my fellow tired prisoners,

makes my life, our lives; less cumbersome and inject meaning to my tired, our tired weary and mundane day.

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I am tired from not hearing from them, hold them, be there for them,

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But...

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But...

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But...

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I hope they will never be tired of me.