How do we escape the trap of feeling worse rather than better?
The hardest part is changing our ways of thinking and realising that in order to escape these thoughts and turn our life around. Firstly, we have to examine our own mind and thoughts – deeply challenging ourselves. Acknowledge that it is indeed our fault and that directly or indirectly we made a choice that landed us where we currently are.
Then, we have to want to change in every way, emotionally and mentally, to become a better person. Can I do this from prison with all the negativity, anger, hate, fear, insolence, insecurities, pettiness, judgement of whether one crime is better or worse than another, control issues, domination, ignorance and arrogance?
I found a way for me and some of those who know me in the wing I am currently housed. One little slip up with argumentativeness, blaming and becoming irate because someone didn’t see things in the same light as I did brought me undone and I am back to the beginning once again.
Being born and bred Catholic gave me a slight advantage. I knew what faith was, I knew what prayer was, at least in respect of reciting them and I have experienced some moments that could be called miraculous survival.
In 1999, a semi-trailer dumping a load of road base at a road works site in Geurie, NSW rolled, landing on the ute I was driving. I survived with some whip lash and back strain and of course PTSD.
The thing was, I survived – why? I don’t know, and at times throughout my life there have been thoughts as to why did I survive, what makes me the lucky one. It’s called survivor’s guilt. I pushed on though and found it was an opportunity to grow.
As life continued in its highs and lows, I kept coming back to what is it that pushed me to strive? What is it that gave me hope and not just wanting to curl up in a corner forever? I searched different faiths and did all the things that Christians do but then my faith waned and I completely fell off the wagon and continued in a downward spiral of issues and selfishness, eventually low self-esteem and some drug use.
This spiral continued downward til I found myself repeatedly here and needing to find a way up and quickly. I’m not getting younger, my parents are ageing and the
only person I am thinking about is myself and my issues.
Twelve months ago coming back in again on the tablet in the learning and development section, I came across some teachings of the Buddha. What struck me first was the same issue that the Buddha had 2,600 years ago was the “human condition”.
I had also thought of this same issue, with all the tools and technology we have and access to global communication in the palm of our hand why haven’t we learnt any form of compassion, understanding and acceptance on a global scale. The ego and “me” as the centre of the universe is valid today with all the issues I mentioned earlier which is still leading the way to divide and blame each other for our mistakes and misapprehensions.
As I read more I realised there are certain truths as to who and what we are. I found that because we think so small in regards to “my” world, we act small. I got excited by this and started reading more and more of this truth stuff (Dharma) and then I thought, okay let’s give this meditation thing a shot and see where it leads.
Through meditation I started to ask myself and see myself in a different light. I started reading other texts on Buddhism and Christianity parts and interpretations on the Qur’an, books by popes and saints. I even realised truth from fiction writers and in movies and TV series.
I started finding answers, my mind became clearer, calmer, less full of “junk”. I discovered I had an ability to draw, paint and write from the heart about issues that we think are too big for one person.
I discovered that through small acts of generosity, compassion, understanding and listening that I am not the only person that feels this way.
My spiritual awareness started to grow to a point where I started to feel differently. Not better, or more superior than anyone else, not wanting to grasp to small ideas or concepts, but a greater understanding that there needs to be a movement towards “us” and making everything less complicated.
There is a comfort that comes from focusing on emptiness. It’s a sublime and unique experience where we let go of all our complications, personas and masks that we put on in front of others every day.
I’m not saying you will find all the answers and I’m not saying I have found all the answers either but just start by letting go of that control, the wanting to manage the outcome of every situation to “my liking”. Get to know yourself in the emptiness of your mind.
How do we escape the trap of feeling worse rather than better?
The hardest part is changing our ways of thinking and realising that in order to escape these thoughts and turn our life around. Firstly, we have to examine our own mind and thoughts – deeply challenging ourselves. Acknowledge that it is indeed our fault and that directly or indirectly we made a choice that landed us where we currently are.
Then, we have to want to change in every way, emotionally and mentally, to become a better person. Can I do this from prison with all the negativity, anger, hate, fear, insolence, insecurities, pettiness, judgement of whether one crime is better or worse than another, control issues, domination, ignorance and arrogance?
I found a way for me and some of those who know me in the wing I am currently housed. One little slip up with argumentativeness, blaming and becoming irate because someone didn’t see things in the same light as I did brought me undone and I am back to the beginning once again.
Being born and bred Catholic gave me a slight advantage. I knew what faith was, I knew what prayer was, at least in respect of reciting them and I have experienced some moments that could be called miraculous survival.
In 1999, a semi-trailer dumping a load of road base at a road works site in Geurie, NSW rolled, landing on the ute I was driving. I survived with some whip lash and back strain and of course PTSD.
The thing was, I survived – why? I don’t know, and at times throughout my life there have been thoughts as to why did I survive, what makes me the lucky one. It’s called survivor’s guilt. I pushed on though and found it was an opportunity to grow.
As life continued in its highs and lows, I kept coming back to what is it that pushed me to strive? What is it that gave me hope and not just wanting to curl up in a corner forever? I searched different faiths and did all the things that Christians do but then my faith waned and I completely fell off the wagon and continued in a downward spiral of issues and selfishness, eventually low self-esteem and some drug use.
This spiral continued downward til I found myself repeatedly here and needing to find a way up and quickly. I’m not getting younger, my parents are ageing and the
only person I am thinking about is myself and my issues.
Twelve months ago coming back in again on the tablet in the learning and development section, I came across some teachings of the Buddha. What struck me first was the same issue that the Buddha had 2,600 years ago was the “human condition”.
I had also thought of this same issue, with all the tools and technology we have and access to global communication in the palm of our hand why haven’t we learnt any form of compassion, understanding and acceptance on a global scale. The ego and “me” as the centre of the universe is valid today with all the issues I mentioned earlier which is still leading the way to divide and blame each other for our mistakes and misapprehensions.
As I read more I realised there are certain truths as to who and what we are. I found that because we think so small in regards to “my” world, we act small. I got excited by this and started reading more and more of this truth stuff (Dharma) and then I thought, okay let’s give this meditation thing a shot and see where it leads.
Through meditation I started to ask myself and see myself in a different light. I started reading other texts on Buddhism and Christianity parts and interpretations on the Qur’an, books by popes and saints. I even realised truth from fiction writers and in movies and TV series.
I started finding answers, my mind became clearer, calmer, less full of “junk”. I discovered I had an ability to draw, paint and write from the heart about issues that we think are too big for one person.
I discovered that through small acts of generosity, compassion, understanding and listening that I am not the only person that feels this way.
My spiritual awareness started to grow to a point where I started to feel differently. Not better, or more superior than anyone else, not wanting to grasp to small ideas or concepts, but a greater understanding that there needs to be a movement towards “us” and making everything less complicated.
There is a comfort that comes from focusing on emptiness. It’s a sublime and unique experience where we let go of all our complications, personas and masks that we put on in front of others every day.
I’m not saying you will find all the answers and I’m not saying I have found all the answers either but just start by letting go of that control, the wanting to manage the outcome of every situation to “my liking”. Get to know yourself in the emptiness of your mind.
