My partner gave me 24 frozen roses the Valentine’s Day he went to prison.

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They weren’t meant to be frozen, of course. Knowing he’d be inside by Valentine’s, he bought the boxed arrangement some days earlier and hid it in the back of the downstairs refrigerator to keep fresh. By the time I opened the golden box on the day, the fridge had done it’s touchy fridge thing and frozen the flowers solid.

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But I doggedly plucked away the frostbitten leaves and mushy petals, and propped up the remaining wrinkled blooms in my favourite vase. And when they too wilted, I nestled the dried petals back into the box. Because by then, they seemed like the only tangible connection to our relationship before prison.

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My partner and I knew prison was coming for over a year. But even with all those months to prepare, our relationship still wasn’t ready for it. The loss. The distance. The exhausting day after day. Relationships are hard work. Relationships through the razor wire are harder work.

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If you’re struggling with how to maintain your relationship, here are some simple ways that made navigating this time a little easier for us – and some I wish we’d known sooner.

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For partners inside

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Listen to Your Partner

Even though you can’t be there physically, you can still support your partner by listening to what’s important to them. Ask them what happened this week. Pay attention to how they’re feeling. If you have trouble keeping track of everything going on, write notes down after you talk. Then next time, check in with them on how that appointment went. Follow up on how they’re going with their annoying family member. Encourage them to keep trying that hobby.

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Keep Track of Important Dates

Remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or other dates that matter to your partner. Also be aware that your partner – and you too – may be more sensitive around these times, so be kind to yourselves. Find what ways you have available to celebrate these days. Write your partner a thinking of you letter. Call to wish them happy birthday. Ask a friend to deliver a gift for you. Buy them something from the vending machine. It doesn’t need to be flashy. It’s the thought that counts – even frozen roses!

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Communicate Honestly

It might be tempting to hide how you feel and instead to talk about the mundane, but your relationship will grow so much stronger if you’re both willing to communicate honestly. You might find, like we did, it’s actually easier to do this in prison than at home surrounded by distractions. Talk about the things that matter to you. Tell or write to your partner about what’s making you happy, sad, hopeful, stressed, calm, angry, thankful. Don’t worry about your spelling, grammar, handwriting or pronunciation. Heartfelt is more valuable than perfect.

For partners outside

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Look After Yourself

I wish I’d known this one sooner. It’s easy to become bogged down in all you need to do for your partner, family, and everyone else. But you’re in your best shape to care for others if you’ve first cared for yourself. Make sure you make time for healthy eating, drinking enough water, sleeping enough, mental health, downtime, hobbies that make you smile. If you prioritise these things, you’ll find you’re more energised, patient and balanced for the people who lean on you.

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Affirm Your Partner

Even if they haven’t expressed it, your partner is probably feeling pretty low right now. This isn’t the time to run them down or remind them of how they’ve disappointed you. Instead, point out the positive things they’re doing. Ask about their hobbies. Laugh together. Cheer them on if they want to participate in programs, fitness, industries or activities that are helpful to them. My partner taught himself solitaire inside, so I bought a book of card rules and sent him a new game with each letter. Let your partner know what you appreciate about them. Why you love them. You don’t need to agree with them all the time. But believe the best for them.

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Be Deliberate About Your Time Together

Make the most of your time by planning how you want to interact. Think about how you’d like your relationship to feel at different times, and run through the steps you’ll take to create that feeling. For instance, I wanted my visits to be cheerful, so I’d dress brightly, save up funny stories to tell my partner, and keep talking even when it pushed me out of my comfort zone. You might want your time together to be more serious, to focus on engaging with children, or perhaps to talk about aspects of your relationship. You might decide with your partner how you want to use your shared time. If they are approaching release also, plan together how you want your relationship to look when they’re home and what you’ll both do to capture this feeling.